Advice for step-moms

This one is kind of a touchy subject for me, so I hope that I can cover it delicately and leave the feelings and stories out as much as possible.

I am a future step-mother.  My step kids are 12 and 13, which is not an easy age, as any mother could tell you.  It helps that I have been in their life since they were 9 and 10, but even at that age, they were a little old to be completely open to me.  It also makes a difference that their mothers are both a huge part of their lives.  I am going to try to touch on a couple pieces of advice for step mothers that are in a similar situation.  Here are some rules that I am setting up for myself in my own life to make things run more smoothly, and to create a warm and loving family unit.

1.  Spend time with each child one-on-one.  Or even if there is only one child, spend time with them alone.  You should be trying to build a relationship with them.  Get to know who they are.  Let them know that they can trust you, and that you care about what they say.  Listen to them, and give them a chance to talk, and don't react when they tell you something that causes jealousy or involves their mother and not you.  Give it some time, take a deep breath, and remember that they are children and that they have a mother that they love.  This doesn't mean that there isn't room for you.  It just means that you can't replace their mother, and that is okay.  Spend time with them doing things they like to do, but also helping them with homework or giving them rides to school.  You already have a relationship with their father, but that doesn't mean you automatically are entitled to a good relationship with them.  That has to be built as much as your relationship with your spouse does.

2.  Learn to share.  This sounds so lame, but I had a really hard time sharing things I normally had for myself.  Weather it was a food I really loved, or a shirt my step daughter wanted to borrow, I was very selfish.  It was my special thing that I spent my money on, and I wanted it for myself.  It's okay to keep some things just yours, but you need to learn that it's okay to share.  It's actually kind of nice to have your step kids like the same things you do, and want to be like you in a small way, even if it's just a snack food you both love, or a shirt you both like.  I also had a really hard time sharing my time.  I wanted Travis to myself all of the time, but that's dumb.  Family time is just as important as one-on-one time.

3.  Time management is important.  You need to make sure you and your spouse have time to yourselves.  You didn't get the opportunity to date like most couples do.  You didn't get the honeymoon stage of marriage, because you already had a child involved.  That's okay.  Make sure you make time for each other one-on-one.  Go out on a date once a week.  Even if it's just running errands.  It's important to build your relationship, even though it's sometimes easier to just put that on hold while the kids get older.  The other half of this is family time.  Make sure that when you are all together, you are having quality family time.  We try to have at least one really nice family dinner at the table with no technology a week.  We eat until everyone is done, and we play a game afterward.  Travis and I both work weekends, but when we can we try to do fun activities with the kids, weather it's swimming, going for a walk, or even going to my parent's house for Sunday dinners.  These excursions help to bond us as a family, and make us work together better as a family unit.

4.  Keep a safe distance from their mothers.  Okay, I'm not saying don't have any relationship with their mothers, that would be ridiculous.  You should have their phone numbers in your emergency contact list, and you should be able to call or text to coordinate plans.  But you don't need to be their friends.  In fact, I wouldn't recommend that you become close friends.  Too much can go wrong if you become close friends.  Be polite, and understand that they might be wary of you. They might feel threatened because it seems like you are trying to replace them.  They might feel protective of their child because they don't know you as well, and you are becoming a big part of their child's life.  This is okay.  Be patient when you are speaking to them, be considerate, and don't say more than is necessary.  If they are asking for your opinion on something, be honest, but also be nice.  You cannot get away from them.  They will always be your child's mother, even if they drive you nuts or if you don't get along.  So do your best to just stay on a nice note without complicating the relationship at all.

5.  Be honest.  Be honest with them about things that are happening in your life.  If they ask you a question, tell them the truth.  Also, be honest with your partner.  They need to know how you feel, and what you are thinking.  They can't make things better for you or easier for you if they don't know what's wrong, or how you feel about something.  It's important to communicate with everyone in the family, because it's hard to form a new family dynamic.  You can't let yourself just feel hurt because it's easier on everyone else.  In the long run, you'll resent your partner, or the kids.  You don't want that, and you don't want any of them resenting you.  Be honest with yourself as well.  Know how you are feeling, and why you were feeling that way.  Understand how you feel before you approach it with everyone else so that you can avoid hurting their feelings, and you can clearly communicate what you feel, why, and a good solution for it.  Know that even the most insignificant, unimportant things can cause a huge speed bump later in your lives together if you don't approach it now.  Honesty and communication help a lot in love and relationships, and it shows the kids how to be in a good relationship.

7.  Set a good example.  Show them how to love and communicate.  Teach them to be honest and understanding.  Show them how to share, and how to plan, and have fun.  You are teaching them about relationships.  Hopefully, if it works out well, they will be able to have good relationships in the future by watching you.  It's okay to fight, and occasionally the kids will see it or hear it.  That's going to happen, but try to avoid it.  When it happens, make sure you communicate to the children that you were angry, but that you just needed to communicate and come up with a solution together.  Make sure they know that fights are going to happen, but that it doesn't mean the end of a relationship.  They need to see how to make up after a fight, and that you still love each other when you don't agree on something.  They need to know that an argument is not going to break you apart at the drop of a hat. 

8.  Kids will be kids.  They are frustrating sometimes.  They don't always think about others, and they don't always do or say things the way they should.  They are messy, and loud, and they can be a lot of fun.  If you find yourself getting stressed out, jealous, angry, or upset over something, remove yourself from the situation, take a few deep breaths, and if you need to, treat yourself to some "me time."  It's okay to feel those things.  It's not okay to take it out on the kids.  Have fun with it!  Learn to love it.  It will be amazing and fun and unlike any experience you will ever have again, so enjoy it.
I know these are just a few big rules.   I also know that this is a lot of reading, and my family and friends (or should I say my sister and one friend who read this) won't relate to this at all.  I'm just hoping that one person who stumbles upon it someday will find it useful, and maybe have some good advice for me.  Thanks for reading.

Just so you know before hand, no, I am NOT engaged yet.  It's okay, it'll happen soon enough.  That being said, I just had a fun idea for a guest book.  Once I told Travis, he also had a good idea.  So I'd like to put it to a vote: what would you like more if it were you?

So here's the basic concept for my idea:  On the RSVP, I plan to have a line for a requested song to be played at the reception, weather or not they will be drinking champagne or sparkling grape juice, and how many adults and children they will be bringing (below is just a fun one I found on pinterest). 
 
 At the bottom of my RSVP, I'd like to request that my guests (even those who cannot come), send back a photograph.  I then would like to put together a photobook of all of the photos that have been sent to me, which will serve as a guestbook.  At my wedding, I'd like to have the book out for guests to sign with a sign that asks for them to find their picture, sign their names, and to write how they know us, a memory of us, and a piece of advice for us.  I'd intersperse it with photos from our engagement shoot (for guests that don't want to send a photo back).  I think this would be a lot of fun to look at for years to come. 

Travis's idea is to make a puzzle out of a picture of us, and to have our guests sign a piece and put together the puzzle as they come in.

Like I said, I like both ideas, so I'd like to put it to a vote: what should I do for my future wedding guest book?

Love you all!  PS, we're buying a house!!! So I'm sure there will be moving ideas, packing ideas, cleaning tips, and decorating ideas soon to follow.  

December so far

Once again, I am obsessed with Christmas! There is so much to love, and I've already done so much.

First and foremost, I have been sick for almost two weeks. I have been feeling much better the past week, but my voice is still gone. It's annoying, but it has reminded me of how much I love singing Christmas carols. I can't wait to get my voice back!

Ok, now for the fun stuff. So this last Saturday I got to go to the Longmont parade of lights with Brieanna, my parents, and Weston. It was very cold, but it was also a lot of fun.

On Sunday I went to a multi-church choral event with my parents and Paige and Weston. I loved the bell choir, but the violin choir, the harp soloist, and the other church choirs were all amazing.

Paige's winter choir concert was on Tuesday. I loved it! She had a solo in hallelujah, and did an amazing job.

I have been thoroughly enjoying all of my decorations and Christmas events, although I wish Travis wasn't working all the time, and I'd love it if Ashley and Mike could join in as well. But that in mind, I'm just lucky to be surrounded by the people I love during the most magical time of the year. Love you all

Some pictures.

Mostly of Roxanne and Tristan, but Brieanna, Dylan, me, and some holiday stuff is in there too.

'Tis the season

I LOVE the holidays.  For me, they start with October and go all the way through New Year's Eve.  Then life sucks for a little while, because it's freezing and then it's like a cold all warmed up, and then it's just brown and muddy.  Then summer comes, and I'm so ready for it that I love it way more than any other season.  But for now, I love the holidays.

A few updates, Erin had her baby, Tristan.  He is so sweet, and I love him already! Okay, honestly, I don't really want to update all of you.  I'm already bored.  So moving on, Halloween was decent.  I went trick-or-treating with Erin & her family.  It was a nice night, and I got home early and called it a night.  Thanksgiving was okay too.  Dinner at Travis's grandparent's house.  I still feel awkward with a lot of his family, but his grandparents and uncle always make me feel a little more comfortable.  Black Friday shopping with the kids was a lot of fun.  We bought a new laptop for our Christmas gift to all of us.  Then I decorated the whole house the next day.

There's something about sparkling Christmas lights, a tree with gifts under it, and holiday music that just makes our small rented house feel more like a home.  I wish it was this pretty the rest of the year.  Anyway, I wish I had more fun stuff to update you with.  I'm trying to keep the boring and the dramatic crap out of this thing, so I really don't have much to update you on.  I've gotten approved for a house loan, but I didn't get approved for as much as I'd like, so while we're keeping our eyes pealed for a home, we're also kind of waiting for Travis's bankruptcy to be a year behind us so we can get a loan together and get approved for way more.  So in the meantime, we're just happy to have a home to be a family in.

Life is full of little dramas.  It always will be.  Everyone's life is.  It's not those moments that are important though.  What is important is that we all love each other, and we stick together, because we're a family.  Life is hard, and love makes it easier.  Love isn't hard.  Relationships are hard, but love is never hard.  Okay, well I love all of you.  Hopefully my next posts will be more captivating.

A little about who I am

               I hope that in saying all of this, I don't offend any of my family, friends, or unknown people.  It is just about who I am and what I believe.  I am not interested in an argument trying to change my opinions.  I am just introducing myself more fully to the world.  Please, don't take my remarks offensively.

              Much to the disappointment of my family, I am not religious.  Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in God, I just don’t believe that God is a religion, or that he resides in any kind of building.  Rather, I believe that you can only find God within yourself.  William Blake wrote a poem that I think fits my thoughts beautifully.

                “The Garden of Love”

                I went to the Garden of Love,

                And saw what I never had seen:

                A Chapel was built in the midst,

                Where I used to play on the green.

                And the gates of this Chapel were shut,

                And “Thou shalt not” writ over the door;

                So I turn’d to the Garden of Love,

                That so many sweet flowers bore,

                And I saw it was filled with graves,

                And tomb-stones where flowers should be:

                And Priests in black gowns were walking their rounds,

                And binding with briars my joys and desires.

                You know that old saying, “If a tree fell in the woods, and no one was there to hear it, would it make a sound?”  Well is a forest beautiful without someone there to see it?  I don’t think so, because beauty is something found within us, and seen through only our eyes.  In the same way, God is only in us and exists only as we feel him.  He might be something more, but He is most definitely not assigned to one specific religion.  No one can own God.  God is a name we assign love and guilt.  He is a reason, an answer to questions that it is in our nature as humans to ask, like, “why am I here?” or, “what is my purpose?” 

                I do like the ideas of some religious stories, but these stories are just that to me: a nice story.  They are metaphors, and similes, and I appreciate them the way I would appreciate a good poem.  What is so wonderful about them is that their meaning can change depending on what you are looking for at the moment.  My high school English teacher loved symbolism.  In fact, when speaking of The Great Gatsby, she practically beat symbolism to death.  She would tell us that what we thought the symbol meant was wrong.  I think that she was wrong.  The symbolism we see is what we need to see in our lives.  It is about what we need to find, what we need to hear.  We are, as humans, selfish beings after all. 

                I think that I have had a very narrow view of religion for most of my life.  I was raised a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka Mormon).  My parents were very strict Mormons, and we never went to any other church.  When I was younger I probably couldn’t even name any other religions.  They were these mythical things that didn’t exist in our world.  I didn’t fully know how unaware I was until I met a boy who had read the books of five different religions, studied countless books about religion, and had formed his opinions on his own.  I was shocked to hear about this boy who had a choice, and chose to not go to any church, because religions were corrupt, texts were corrupt, and only God is pure, because He is love, peace, joy, and beauty.  He is justness, fairness, equality, and perfection.  None of these things are ever found sitting in a pew for an hour at a time being lectured by an imperfect human using imperfect texts surrounded by imperfect people. 

                Anyway, that experience was the beginning of the opening of my mind religiously.  I began to realize that not all people who were not Mormon were bad, and not all people who were Mormons were good.  I began to recognize that I did not necessarily feel close to God when I was at church.  It was subtle, but it started a chain of thoughts that would eventually unwind my religious tightness, and bring me closer to a God that I had never allowed myself to know. 

                Politics.  Where does anyone stand these days?  Well I have decided I am not affiliated with any one party.  Rather, I am for freedom.  I am for choice.  I am for the government staying out of my personal life.  I am for boundaries and guidelines that allow for growth and choice.  I feel that gun control is knowing how to use your weapons.  I feel that I would never chose to have an abortion, but others should have the right to that choice.  I am not attracted to members of my sex, but I think that love does not have sexual boundaries.  I am proud to say that I have never needed government to hold my hand.  I have never relied on food stamps or government support, and I never will.  It’s kind of like living at home when you are an adult.  When you live under your parent’s roof, you follow their rules.  They own you because they are taking care of you.  In a way, you owe them your entire life.  They give you the necessities, like food and shelter, and you are then bound by an invisible contract to follow their rules or laws.  I do not like owing anyone anything, especially when I am capable of taking care of myself.  I have always been very self-reliant, and I think the government is way too involved in the wrong things, including our personal lives, other countries, and religion.  It is not their place to interfere with our lives.  They are there to protect our rights, not to take them away. 

                I’m afraid I’ve gone too far into politics already, and so I will end all of that with this thought:  There is a lot wrong with our government, but there is also a lot wrong with Americans.  We create diseases that don’t exist in other countries, we are self-centered, pleasure-seeking drones, and I would not be surprised to see a repeat of the great fall of Rome.  On that note, I am done with this.  I wash my hands of it the way that the king washed his hands at the hanging of Jesus on a cross.

                So I guess I should introduce myself.  I am nobody.  I have never done anything erratic, irrational, or sensational.  I am a blue collar, working-class, citizen, barely making enough money to pay my bills.  I did alright through high school, getting into a decent religious college in Idaho, where I attended for two years and dropped out just short of an associate’s degree.  I have never been better at anything than anyone else.  I am not a funny person, although I am really good at laughing.  I am not a smart person, although I am good at working hard. 

I am not plain looking, I am not pretty, I am not ugly.  I’m blessed to not be fat, but cursed with poor health in other ways.  I have a bad habit of picking out my flaws.  I am generally a happy person, although I am also a bit of a pessimist.  I am empathetic to a fault.  Selfishness plagues me constantly.  I am vain and neurotic.  I am judgmental, and I love gossip.  I dislike drama when it is happening to me, but I am obsessed with it in other people’s lives.  I am flawed, I am unimportant, and most importantly, I am aware of all of these things.  They may never change, but that is who I am.  Should I have to be different to matter to someone?  Should every piece of me be perfect?  No.  No one is perfect.  We are all human, and everyone is self-absorbed with animalistic tendencies.  I will change, and I will always be looking to become better than I am.  That is progress.  That is striving toward self-perfection, peace, happiness, love.  I know that I am the only me out there.  I am the only person in the world who has gone through exactly everything I have gone through, who believes in everything I believe in, who wants all of my wants, and that is okay.  That is what makes me special.  Not a job title, not some amazing work of art or science: just the combination of everything that makes me unlike anyone else. 

We measure ourselves in faults and failures.  We measure others in perfections and accomplishments.  This is what drives us to become better human beings.  This is also what drives us to wallow in self pity.  It causes us to be judgmental and angry, or it causes us to revaluate what we find to be important.  It is important for everyone to tango with this imaginary partner, and to allow it to lead us, or teach it to follow. 

Why is everyone so narcissistic?  Hell, I am the perfect example.  I am writing about myself as though everyone would care.  No one cares.  No one will ever read this besides me, and no one would ever want to read it besides me.  I’m not interesting.  I’m not funny.  “I am, yet what I am none cares or knows…”  (from a poem I read somewhere once).  We all think the whole entire world revolves around us.  If I have an ugly day, who in their right mind is going to be thinking about how ugly I am?  That’s right: me.  Everyone else is too busy thinking about how they look, only thinking I’m ugly to make them feel more beautiful.  How terrible is that?  We can’t even appreciate someone else being beautiful because we are too self conscious and jealous.  Yes, this is who I am.  I am the woman who is too lazy to fix her hair before she leaves the house, and then thinks to herself thoughts like, at least I don’t look like THAT ugly fat girl in the corner, or if there’s an especially pretty girl around that I feel threatened by, I can tell she’s such a bitch.  I’ll bet she gets fat when she gets prego for the first time.  I know that these thoughts won’t make me feel better, but there they are, every time. 

I’ve been listening lately to a book on tape.  It’s a very famous book, made into a more famous movie, called Eat, Pray, Love.  She talks a lot about her journey to find peace within herself.  She also talks a lot about finding herself and meditation.  Now I was raised a Mormon.  We didn’t meditate.  We sang a lot.  We read scriptures a lot.  We ate and made crafts a lot.  They aren’t a meditation religion.  Lately though I’ve wanted to try it.  I know, it’s easy enough to just go and try it if I want to, but for some reason I haven’t yet.  I wonder if it’s because I haven’t been truly comfortable with myself since my last relationship when  I was lying about who I was.  Or maybe it’s because I find it more useful to write out my meditations.  Maybe this ‘who I am’ business is my form of meditation.  Okay, maybe not.  Maybe I should just go try it.  It just feels hard to get myself to go try it when there’s so much noise in the world to distract me.  But I guess that’s the point though, isn’t it?  To learn to block out the noise of the world and to listen.  

Books Worth Reading

K, so instead of boring you all with pictures, vacations, and my life's crazy details, I decided to start posting something far more interesting to me. Today it's about escaping this world and finding yourself between the pages of someone else's story. This is my book recommendations list. Hopefully I will cover everything, but if I forget some, forgive me.

Angela's Ashes. Loved the stories of escaping to a new and better life. I've heard that its sequel, 'Tis, isn't as good, but I have yet to read it.













Cold Sassy Tree. Such a sweet southern style novel. Wholesome and heartfelt.













The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night. An interesting insight into the mind of someone diagnosed with downs syndrome.

Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistles Stop Cafe. If you even kind of liked the movie, you'll love the book. So much better.













The Scarlet Letter. Classic. Love it.













The Screwtape Letters. A story about the devil's angels trying to corrupt a saint. Very good book. Different view than is normally seen.













A Thousand Splendid Suns. Better than The Kite Runner, which I also loved!













Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister. So much better than Wicked. Very cute and sweet.











The Great Gatsby. Lots of symbolism. Teachers make you hate it, but when you read it for yourself, you'll love it













The Bell Jar. Insight on a depressed mind. Sad, depressing, but meaningful and a good read.

Where the Heart is. Walmart baby.













The Color of Water. A black boys tribute to his white mother. What color is God?













Life of Pi. Read it. You won't regret it.













Lord of the Flies.











Fahrenheit 451. Loved.











Jane Eyre. The best romance novel ever.













The Secret Life of Bees. Another southern book. So sweet.













Night. One of my favorite WW2 books.











The Metamorphosis. Turning into a cockroach? Definitely worth a read.













Ishmael. Interesting religious views.













Gift from the Sea.













A Child Called "It." sad, but memorable and necessary.













The Awakening. Fascinating.













To Kill a Mockingbird. If you haven't read it, you're missing out.

Of Mice and Men. Another interesting book.













The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Classic.











I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.














One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Insanity at its finest.














Big Stone Gap. And the ones that follow. Another southern one. Sorry, I think I was born to be southern.

The Hiding Place. Another good "Jew Book," as my boyfriend puts it.











The Bean Trees. Southern.













Can't Wait to Get to Heaven. Southern.













Slaughterhouse-Five. Aliens. Great way to think of life and death.




Tuesday's With Morrie. Life lived at its fullest.













Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl.













Withering Heights.













Heart of Darkness. Congo.













Tess of the D'Urbervilles.

The Book of Ruth. Abuse story.













The Glass Castle. You should read it, and so should your kids. A story about a young girl being poor with her family.













Water for Elephants. Fun read.













Angels & Demons. Great book. Fun read. Better than the Davinci Code.













Jonathan Livingston Seagull. New perspective on life and death.













Little Bee. Amazing book about a refugee from Nigeria.













Cry, the Beloved Country. Very poetic. Mom thought it was slow-moving. But I loved it.













The Giver. You and your kids should read it. About a utopia.












I know there are a million books, but these are the ones I have that I love. Some are interesting, some are educational, some are feel-good reads, but they are all amazing.