Stop, drop, and listen

So I have the unique experience of being only ten years older than my almost thirteen-year-old step daughter. Even so, I was having a really hard time connections with her, and there was almost a sense of animosity between us for a little while. Some of this has to do with issues we have been facing with her mother, which is totally unfair to her, I know, but luckily I recently re-read all of my journals. Here is what I wrote to my future self, without even knowing it.

I told myself that I needed to stop pushing my thoughts and opinions on my pre-teen and teenagers. I needed to drop my hurt feelings, and drop my opinions, and shut up. I needed to stop talking, drop what I wanted to say, and just listen. I know, you get it. But seriously, this was a major big thing to me. So after realizing that most of my talks with Brieanna had been me talking at her and lecturing her, I decided to try shutting up for once.

And guess what? It worked. She actually wants to tell me stuff! She is spilling out gossip and secrets and telling me about her day on her own! It took a little bit of prodding at first, but she told me about her first boyfriend before she told her mom or dad, and even before he asked her out. She tells me about her friends, what they do together and talk about, and how she feels about things going on in her life. It's amazing, and I love it! 

It isn't quite working for Dylan, but he's a boy, and I'm not quite sure that talking about feelings is something any boy really does.

Anyway, so my advice for mothers of teenage girls is to try it. Stop, drop, and listen. It's harder than you think, but well worth the effort. 

Advice for step-moms

This one is kind of a touchy subject for me, so I hope that I can cover it delicately and leave the feelings and stories out as much as possible.

I am a future step-mother.  My step kids are 12 and 13, which is not an easy age, as any mother could tell you.  It helps that I have been in their life since they were 9 and 10, but even at that age, they were a little old to be completely open to me.  It also makes a difference that their mothers are both a huge part of their lives.  I am going to try to touch on a couple pieces of advice for step mothers that are in a similar situation.  Here are some rules that I am setting up for myself in my own life to make things run more smoothly, and to create a warm and loving family unit.

1.  Spend time with each child one-on-one.  Or even if there is only one child, spend time with them alone.  You should be trying to build a relationship with them.  Get to know who they are.  Let them know that they can trust you, and that you care about what they say.  Listen to them, and give them a chance to talk, and don't react when they tell you something that causes jealousy or involves their mother and not you.  Give it some time, take a deep breath, and remember that they are children and that they have a mother that they love.  This doesn't mean that there isn't room for you.  It just means that you can't replace their mother, and that is okay.  Spend time with them doing things they like to do, but also helping them with homework or giving them rides to school.  You already have a relationship with their father, but that doesn't mean you automatically are entitled to a good relationship with them.  That has to be built as much as your relationship with your spouse does.

2.  Learn to share.  This sounds so lame, but I had a really hard time sharing things I normally had for myself.  Weather it was a food I really loved, or a shirt my step daughter wanted to borrow, I was very selfish.  It was my special thing that I spent my money on, and I wanted it for myself.  It's okay to keep some things just yours, but you need to learn that it's okay to share.  It's actually kind of nice to have your step kids like the same things you do, and want to be like you in a small way, even if it's just a snack food you both love, or a shirt you both like.  I also had a really hard time sharing my time.  I wanted Travis to myself all of the time, but that's dumb.  Family time is just as important as one-on-one time.

3.  Time management is important.  You need to make sure you and your spouse have time to yourselves.  You didn't get the opportunity to date like most couples do.  You didn't get the honeymoon stage of marriage, because you already had a child involved.  That's okay.  Make sure you make time for each other one-on-one.  Go out on a date once a week.  Even if it's just running errands.  It's important to build your relationship, even though it's sometimes easier to just put that on hold while the kids get older.  The other half of this is family time.  Make sure that when you are all together, you are having quality family time.  We try to have at least one really nice family dinner at the table with no technology a week.  We eat until everyone is done, and we play a game afterward.  Travis and I both work weekends, but when we can we try to do fun activities with the kids, weather it's swimming, going for a walk, or even going to my parent's house for Sunday dinners.  These excursions help to bond us as a family, and make us work together better as a family unit.

4.  Keep a safe distance from their mothers.  Okay, I'm not saying don't have any relationship with their mothers, that would be ridiculous.  You should have their phone numbers in your emergency contact list, and you should be able to call or text to coordinate plans.  But you don't need to be their friends.  In fact, I wouldn't recommend that you become close friends.  Too much can go wrong if you become close friends.  Be polite, and understand that they might be wary of you. They might feel threatened because it seems like you are trying to replace them.  They might feel protective of their child because they don't know you as well, and you are becoming a big part of their child's life.  This is okay.  Be patient when you are speaking to them, be considerate, and don't say more than is necessary.  If they are asking for your opinion on something, be honest, but also be nice.  You cannot get away from them.  They will always be your child's mother, even if they drive you nuts or if you don't get along.  So do your best to just stay on a nice note without complicating the relationship at all.

5.  Be honest.  Be honest with them about things that are happening in your life.  If they ask you a question, tell them the truth.  Also, be honest with your partner.  They need to know how you feel, and what you are thinking.  They can't make things better for you or easier for you if they don't know what's wrong, or how you feel about something.  It's important to communicate with everyone in the family, because it's hard to form a new family dynamic.  You can't let yourself just feel hurt because it's easier on everyone else.  In the long run, you'll resent your partner, or the kids.  You don't want that, and you don't want any of them resenting you.  Be honest with yourself as well.  Know how you are feeling, and why you were feeling that way.  Understand how you feel before you approach it with everyone else so that you can avoid hurting their feelings, and you can clearly communicate what you feel, why, and a good solution for it.  Know that even the most insignificant, unimportant things can cause a huge speed bump later in your lives together if you don't approach it now.  Honesty and communication help a lot in love and relationships, and it shows the kids how to be in a good relationship.

7.  Set a good example.  Show them how to love and communicate.  Teach them to be honest and understanding.  Show them how to share, and how to plan, and have fun.  You are teaching them about relationships.  Hopefully, if it works out well, they will be able to have good relationships in the future by watching you.  It's okay to fight, and occasionally the kids will see it or hear it.  That's going to happen, but try to avoid it.  When it happens, make sure you communicate to the children that you were angry, but that you just needed to communicate and come up with a solution together.  Make sure they know that fights are going to happen, but that it doesn't mean the end of a relationship.  They need to see how to make up after a fight, and that you still love each other when you don't agree on something.  They need to know that an argument is not going to break you apart at the drop of a hat. 

8.  Kids will be kids.  They are frustrating sometimes.  They don't always think about others, and they don't always do or say things the way they should.  They are messy, and loud, and they can be a lot of fun.  If you find yourself getting stressed out, jealous, angry, or upset over something, remove yourself from the situation, take a few deep breaths, and if you need to, treat yourself to some "me time."  It's okay to feel those things.  It's not okay to take it out on the kids.  Have fun with it!  Learn to love it.  It will be amazing and fun and unlike any experience you will ever have again, so enjoy it.
I know these are just a few big rules.   I also know that this is a lot of reading, and my family and friends (or should I say my sister and one friend who read this) won't relate to this at all.  I'm just hoping that one person who stumbles upon it someday will find it useful, and maybe have some good advice for me.  Thanks for reading.